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Mea Culpa, Baby

posted on Saturday, January 14, 2012, 7:15:23 AM | fractalbob
Dear Mrs. Patsyann Reed:
I’m writing to let you know how very sorry that I mentioned you in a potentially unflattering way in my blog, frustratedinHTX, on January 1.
My mother doesn’t believe you would have read my blog because she’s sure you steer clear of adolescent crap written by the offspring of adults you rarely socialize with. But in case you heard that I mentioned you, she felt I should apologize.
I only said you were one of Huntsville’s rising stars, that you tirelessly served our community in many ways on your way to election to public office, possibly school board.
Please believe I meant no offense and even wrote that if you were to run you would surely get elected.
I swear my mother and father had nothing to do with that blog, which I wrote totally on my own. If I can wash your car or clean your chimney or something, please do not hesitate to ask. Our number is unlisted, but Mrs. Monday has it.
Your friend,
___________ aka Fractal Bob
Dear Mr. Miles:
I’m writing to let you know how very sorry I am that I mentioned you in an unflattering way in my blog, frustratedinHTX, on January 1.
My mother doesn’t believe you would have read my blog since she’s sure screeds like blogs and daily newspaper articles are screened for you. But she thought an apology from me might serve as a hedge against ostracism from certain Chamber functions.
I only compared you to a beloved character in a children’s cartoon series, which enjoyed the height of its popularity in the 1980s when I was but a boy but you were already old. Many people in positions of leadership and influence in our country have been compared to this cartoon character. Even though many of them are incarcerated in the United States and Mexico, I’m sure most have been misunderstood and wrongly accused at the very worse. When I said you had “blue crusty hands,” I was talking about the cartoon character, who is actually blue and who is about your age. “Crusty” was an unfortunate exaggeration. I hope you will forgive me. My father said if I’m lucky you might even have been flattered by my back-handed compliment, since you are really more Smufling than Papa in De Smurf universe.
I want to assure you, too, that my mother and father had nothing to do with that blog, which I wrote totally on my own. If I can mow the Chamber’s lawn or wipe down Big Sam, please do not hesitate to ask. Gloria Wright has our number.
Your friend,
___________ aka Fractal Bob
Dear Mrs. Everett:
I am writing to let you know how very sorry I am that I mentioned you in an unflattering way in my blog, frustratedinHTX, on January 1.
My mother doesn’t believe you would have read my blog — she knows you avoid anything that might remind you of your Kafkaesque legal nightmare. But, in case you heard that I mentioned you, my mother thought an apology might serve to reassure you that we firmly believe in the American principle of “innocent until proven guilty.”
I only compared you to the quintessential steel magnolia — gracious refined and tough — a fine Southern lady who weathered the adversity of fate with her head held high. I know how hard it must have been to take the fall for people above and below you while toiling selflessly to make HTX a better interstate tourist trap and buying the Chamber some love around town with HOT funds swag. We are all glad this nastiness with a certain former City Council is behind you and that you missed the chance to show up with the Railroad Killer in a Wikipedia entry on Devon Anderson.
I know I can best make this up to you by putting myself in the Lord’s hands. I’ll call your pastor to see if there’s any fundraising I can do.
Your friend,
___________ aka Fractal Bob
Dear Mom and Dad:
I am very sorry that I did not tell you that I had been writing an anonymous blog in which I rip everyone in HTX, make fun of my hometown, and risk sullying the good name you have worked so hard to preserve despite the antics of your children.
Mom, Dad — I was only motivated by the Christian values I learned at home, like no stealing and no lying, especially under oath. But I also realize you raised me to be first and foremost a gentleman who, when he has nothing nice to say, keeps his fat mouth shut.
I’ll admit that last Tuesday when I thought your “friend” had driven me out into the forest to kill me, I didn’t have a lot of empathy for how you folks might feel if anyone found out that it was your little shit who’s been blogging about politics in HTX. But after our conversations over these last several days, I understand that you both only want what’s best for me and our family. You’re right, this spring would be a great time for me to move back to Brooklyn and get “right back on that horse.” And I will have finished up all the home improvement projects on the list you gave me when I moved in last summer.
I swear that I will never again treat real people with real feelings like so many characters in one of my novels and screenplays. And yes, I do see the link between writers and serial killers, just as you described it — we do objectify people for our own sick enjoyment.
Thank you so much for your patience with me and your understanding that though I am nearly forty years old, I’m still very much “under construction.”
If you have any more projects that require me to climb rickety ladders while working with live wires, you know where to find me — upstairs, second door on the left!
Your loving son,
___________ aka Fractal Bob
Dear Rich Heiland, Lisa Trow, George Russell, Lanny Ray, Katie Newman, et al:
I am very sorry you have been accused of writing my anonymous blog. I knew from the get-go that if I attracted a readership, anyone could be suspected of being Fractal Bob. But it was never my intention or expectation that you would find yourselves persistently accused. I know the selfishness that prevents me from “outing” myself has occasionally caused you discomfort, and for that I am truly sorry.
So, since self-identification is out of the question, all I can offer you is a full public denial on your behalf. So here it is:
I’m not Rich. Not Lanny. Not George or Katie. And, as Jessie Colter says, I’m not Lisa. So please give these guys a break and drop from your list of suspects all females and old men.
I hope a denial by this unidentified coward does the trick.
Your friend,
Fractal Bob

 

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